Merry Christmas

I just wanted to take a moment to wish a very Merry Christmas to all of my family, friends, and anyone who reads this.  I hope you all receive every blessing you hope for in this holiday season, and I hope you all have the strength and support in your lives to enable you to manifest those blessings in your life.

While I know that not everyone who reads this subscribes to the Christian religion, or any religion at all, I think that we should all take a moment to think about what this holiday represents.  For Christians, this should be obvious: the Birth of a Savior, One to bring Hope, Peace and Joy into the world.

If you aren't a Christian, perhaps the message can still be there during the holidays.  Look around you, and see the opportunity to extend love, kindness and caring to all around you.  These things seem to be in short supply, sometimes, in our world.

This holiday is most certainly NOT about spending as much money as you can.  Its not about consumerism, gluttony, a lack of temperance, or an ostentatious display of good economic fortune.

May you all spend Christmas surrounded by those you love, and those who love you.  Make that group of loved ones as large as you can.  That is, after all, what its really about.

Merry Christmas!

Love,

Tim

A Thanksgiving, of Sorts

So this is the holiday at which we are all supposed to take a look around, assess our lives, and be thankful for what we have.  That can be hard sometimes.  Taking a good look at one's life, and one's world, can sometimes be disheartening.  But, as I'm a firm believer in the "silver lining" idea, the following:

I am troubled, and somewhat scared, by some of the health issues that continue to linger for me; I am thankful for the great improvements in my overall condition in the past two years.

I am alarmed at the over-militarization of our police and the use of excessive force, and saddened people are losing their lives when they didn't have to; I am grateful for all the people who, in spite of that, lobby for peaceful change rather than riot, and for all the many responsible men and women who put on uniforms each day to protect me and ensure my safety.

I am angry about increasing government intrusion into our civil liberties; I am thankful that our Founding Fathers left us that wonderful document, our Constitution, which continues to be our shield in spite of powerful attempts to knock it down.

I am worried about our damaged economy, and a job environment that doesn't seem to be getting any better; I am thankful that I have been able to be self-employed, in a business I love, and thereby provide for my family.

I am aghast at the number of hours of life collectively wasted by people staring into computer and smartphone screens and video games; I am thankful for the incredible technology which has made live easier and more convenient for so many.

I am horrified by the loss of life in foreign wars that I don't believe we should be involved in; I am thankful for all of the young men and women who risk their lives in service of our nation, so middle-agers like me have the freedom to sit in front of computers and tell you all what we think.

I am frustrated by some of the problems my clients bring to me, things which could have been easily, in my view, avoided.  I am thankful for their trust in me to handle their legal matters, and the opportunity to be of service - truly, I haven't the slightest idea how I'd have made it this far in life if not for all of you.

I tear my hair out at some of the things my family and friends (that family we choose) do which seem to me so silly or thoughtless.  I remain thankful for all of the love you have shown me and continue to show me each and every day - you make my life worth living.

Most of all, I am mad at myself, thinking of all of the thoughtless, foolish, stupid things and failures I have committed over the years; and most of all, again, family and friends and clients, I am thankful for all of you continuing to choose to be involved in my life.

I love you all.  Happy Thanksgiving!

Tim

Do, Delegate or Decline

It should be apparent that, in order to do everything now, you have to make an immediate decision about each task that comes up in the course of a day.  Do I do it (now), delegate it, or decline it?  This requires some thought, because the reader will note that making the decision to do, delegate or decline is something that needs to be done, immediately, as each task arises.  The system only works if you can make an instant decision, and to be able to do that, you must be fully aware of a few things.
The first vital thing to understand is your mission, an idea I'll try to develop more fully in future posts.  You will, of course, have several missions.  For example, some of mine are to offer the highest quality legal services, to publish and sell my own books, to keep my body fit and strong, and to provide a comfortable and happy lifestyle for my family.  But the concept, as it applies here is simple. If a task directly bears on your mission - directly - is it an automatic "do."  No thought necessary.  Do it now.  Similarly, if a task arises that does not bear on one of your missions, again, no-brainer. Decline, and decline immediately without a second thought.
What of the in-between tasks?  Those things that, although they may not bear directly on any mission, simply need to be done; for instance, making a doctor's appointment, doing the grocery shopping, preparing meals, and thousands of other little things that just have to take place to keep life moving forward.  These things are obviously do's or delegates - the trick is in deciding which.  Again, the solution is fairly simple, and admits of being internalized in order to facilitate an instant decision when the task pops up.  If it is something that requires a special skill or ability that you have, or something that you do better than any of the people you could delegate it to, do it, right now. Otherwise, delegate.  Some examples from my own life may assist in making my point clearer.
The grocery shopping.  Delegate.  Why, because I have no special skill in buying groceries, and it is a task that my wife or one of my kids could complete at least as well as I could.  Therefore, it gets delegated, instantly, and I gave it no further thought.  However, if my wife had come to me to tell me the kids were hungry, and that food she bought needed to be cooked, that would have been an instant "do."  In my house, I am the one that enjoys cooking and I am quite good at it.  My wife never learned, and doesn't care to learn.  Similarly, if one of the children needs to be driven somewhere (school, a friend's house), well, my wife is at least as capable of piloting an automobile as I am. Consider it delegated.  However, my wife is not comfortable speaking or understanding advanced concepts in English, as it is not her first language.  So when it comes to the doctor's appointments, those are a "do" for me, as it is important to fully grasp what a physician tells you about your health or that of your loved ones.
And for those of you completely on your own, with nobody to delegate to?  You'd best re-read my recent post about Putting in the Time.

Focus

You're going to have to work long hours, but not all hours are created equal.  The hours you want are the ones in which you are really moving, really getting things done, and not just busy work, but important tasks, at the core of accomplishing one of your missions.  In order to have any time like this you will need focus; that is, the ability to concentrate on the task at hand, and keep pushing through the distractions to actually accomplish something of fundamental significance.  I was fortunate, in that I was born with an almost praeternatural ability to focus on one task, to the total exclusion of everything going on around me.  The bad news is, not all people are born with focus. The good news is, that the ability can be cultivated, and improved upon - always improved upon.

As is often the case, the method is simple to understand, but difficult to actually do.  In this case, utilize a variety of the "practice makes perfect" method in order to train up your ability to focus.  It works like this:  surround yourself by as many distractions as you can, then get to work.  I realize this flies in the face of accepted "wisdom" about productivity.  Almost everyone tells you to find a quiet place, meditate, clear your mind, make your workplace free of distractions, and get to it. Then again, the accepted "wisdom" produces generation after generation of mediocrities - not exactly the goal here.

The typical method makes two large errors in its plan, which result in failure to improve focus in any measurable way.  The most obvious is that, life just doesn't work that way.  Life doesn't provide you each day with the opportunity to get Zen, clear your mind and your desk, and just have one thing on your plate at any given time.  Rather, life requires you to deal with the phone, the wife, the kids, the neighbor, the car, and whatever the hell else pops up.  The traditional "clear your mind" nonsense will only teach you how to be productive under perfect conditions.  Perfect conditions rarely flash into existence, and when they do, they never, ever last long.  The second problem will be one recognized by athletes and weightlifters everywhere - no pain, no gain.  In order to improve a skill, a muscle, anything, you need to stress it - expose it to ever increasing levels of difficulty, so that it gradually improves to meet each new level of challenge.  Its not difficult to focus in a perfect, quiet environment.  It is very hard to do so in the context of a typical, hectic day.  Therefore, that is when your ability to focus can be strengthened.

Subject yourself, everyday, to the most challenging environment you can.  Don't wait for just the right time to accomplish something - accomplish something now.  I routinely write with five kids and their friends screeching about the house, two TVs on, music playing, dogs barking.  That's Zen.  That's the way to focus.  I know it sounds strange, but as the great Robert Anton Wilson said, "Do it, everyday."

Contact Me!

I just added a contact form to the front page of this blog.

The only thing I like better than writing about these things, is discussing these things with people.

Please feel free to send me a message through the contact form, or call me on Google Hangouts!

Putting in the Time

In the previous post, I tried to emphasize the importance of doing it now.  Many people will say that there just aren't enough hours in the work day to do everything now.  As you will expect coming from someone advocating the importance of a strong work ethic, the solution I offer is again simple to understand.  Expand your work day.  This will be a bitter pill for many readers to swallow, especially, I suspect, younger readers.  However, there really is no other way.  Your work day should last as long as it takes to get everything done, limited only by your physical ability to continue working.
If you've been paying attention as you read, you may note that I said my work day begins around six in the morning, and I routinely work until ten in the evening, often later.  If you are counting, that is a minimum sixteen hour day, and that is, I promise you, no exaggeration.  If you doubt it, try calling me at 6:30 a.m or 9:30 p.m., and see for yourself.  I know a couple who recently complained to me that they are each working a full eight hours each day, and so have no time to do all of the other things they would need to do to become successful.  These are two people who, barring significant changes in their way of thinking, will never be successful. While I start in the office at six, I'm up at five.  That means I've got seven useful hours in, more than they squeeze out in a whole day, before they take their lunches.  Do I think I'm something special?  No.  I'm just a realist.  If you want to work only eight hours a day toward your mission, resign yourself to failure, as that is all you will ever get.
You simply must work each day, until the day's work is done.  Work, in this context (in fact, in any reasonable context) means the tasks necessary each day to serve your various missions.  I routinely get up at 5 a.m. and get to bed around midnight, and in that time I manage the necessities of life, work for my law clients, work on my books, get my ass to the gym, spend time with my wife and kids, and do all of the things that fulfill my personal missions.  Some days I can get it all done in less time, and some days it takes more.  The qualities necessary to being able to put in those kind of hours will be the subjects of upcoming posts.

The Best Time, to Do Everything, is NOW.

So it turns out that one of the most common human characteristics, the desire to procrastinate, or avoid doing things that one fears or finds distasteful, is actually fatal in the long run.  It destroys strength, success, power, influence, and self-esteem.  I suffered from this pernicious trait for many years, and I suspect each reader of this book, does, or has, suffered from it as well.  I have run a small law practice for many years, the the amount of suffering that procrastination caused me, and the loss of income and reputation I endured because of it, are enough to make me cry just remembering how much better I could have been.  Of course, I was always nails at organizing - goddamn, could I burn hours getting my client files in order, making sure my contacts database was up to date, making to-do lists and planning my day. But always, somehow, the hard stuff - the drafting of difficult pleadings, the client meetings at which I had to deliver bad news, the contentious negotiations, the trips to the prisons to interview clients in custody - always got kicked to the last possible time.  The catch is, those things didn't go away.  They were still there, they still needed to be done, and they did, of course, eventually get done.
They got done, but at a cost much greater than they needed to carry.  When you put off the hard, unpleasant stuff, several things happen.  First, molehills grow into mountains.  The unpleasant nature of the task becomes magnified, your fear of it grows and grows and grows.  People actually have nervous breakdowns due to the fear they allow to build up regarding things that they must do.  Second, through your delay, you insure that you have much less time to get something done, and therefore, the quality of your work suffers.  You simply can't produce the level of work in two hours that you could have produced if you had started earlier and invested more time.  Third, putting a task off generates more tasks that you want to put off.  Say, for instance, that I have a very lengthy, detailed brief to research and write.  Say further that I fear the effort involved, and put it off.  What happens next?  Well, I have to ask the court for an extension.  Try it sometime, its stressful in and of itself. I have to field calls from clients (or avoid them, more likely) wondering when in hell am I going to finish the work I promised to perform.  Put it off long enough, and a malpractice suit or ethical complaint is the ultimate result.  Procrastinate enough, and you earn, and get tagged with, the reputation of being a lazy-ass.
The key, then, is not to let those molehills become mountains.  They way to do that is simple to understand, but harder to travel.  The way is - DO EVERYTHING NOW. Read it again: DO EVERYTHING NOW.  Of course, the observant reader will say, "Murphy, what the hell are you talking about.  You can't do everything now, just like you can't be in two places at once."  But you can do everything now, and I'll show you what I mean by that, and how to do it, Stay tuned.

Work Ethic

So two of my children are now graduated from high school, and have moved on to college.  They are also talking a lot about working (as I did through school).  I'm hoping they'll do more than talk about it, though.  As always, the issues surrounding proper raising of my children provoke in me a strong tendency to navel-gazing.  So, for the next few posts, I'll be spewing forth some of those thoughts about work ethic, and how to get one.

It used to be taken for granted in the United States, and frankly, most everywhere else, that the responsible use of one's time, money, or any other assets which could be used to produce goods, services, and in the end, income, was an affirmative good; in fact, it was considered to be the duty of each and every citizen.  This idea of marshaling all of one's time, skills, brains, capital, resources and connections toward production of something valuable and worthwhile is known as the "work ethic." A strong work ethic has been at the root of the achievements of every successful person, company, community and nation.  This is right and proper, and furthermore, an immutable law of life.

However, in recent decades, it seems that people no longer subscribe to this idea.  To the modern young person of the day, work ethic seems to represent a caving in of one's principles, a cowardly act of submission to "the man."  Many oppose the traditional work ethic, proclaiming that in their brave new world of technology, more will be produced with less, and there will be no need to work hard, just the need to work enough.  Some people today talk about the evils of the J-O-B, so phrased, as nothing more than misplaced loyalty to classes higher than your own, destined to enrich others at the expense of your blood sweat and tears.  Others are just too goddamned lazy to even consider that hard work may be of some value to them.  In truth, I have some sympathy with all of these people.

However, they are wrong, and the problem is deeper than the lifestyle designers would let you believe; it cannot be solved simply by changing your definition of work.  You can curse those uptight Pilgrims, and laugh at the nose-to-the-grindstone mentality of generations that came before us - but before you do, it bears remembering that no nation, community, company, or any group worth a tinker's damn was every created by a bunch of lazy-asses.

Life is not easy, and if you want anything good out of it, you will be required to work hard to get it - and if you're reading this, I'll wager that you'll have to work harder than you ever have to get it. Honestly, if you were working hard enough, you probably wouldn't be reading a blog post about getting a work ethic.  Accept that truth, mull it over, think about it, chew it up, digest it, make it part of yourself.  It bears repeating: if you are dissatisfied with your life in any way - any way - it means you aren't working hard enough.  You are too lazy.  You are not willing to do what it takes to have the life you want.

But never fear - you are in a club with a great many members.  You can continue to sit on your ass, doing less than you could, and you'll never be alone.  If you're reading this you want more.  In that case, also, never fear.  I spent a good deal of my adult life lazier than I should have been.  Through a good deal of trial and error, I learned how to develop my work ethic and cast off (most of) my laziness.  In the next few days, I'll offer some suggestions.

Love is a Choice

In the middle of a long conversation with a very good friend the other day, I had the chance to discuss love; what it is, what it means, falling in love and falling out of love.  I think my take on love is a bit different from the things most people believe, and so, for your consideration, I will briefly attempt to do what has often been deemed impossible, and define love.

Let's start with what love isn't.  That feeling you get that says "wow, I need to meet that girl, she's cute, she's hot!"  Not love.  Its just lust, and there is nothing wrong with it, but love has nothing to do with our sex organs, for all that we like to call it "making love."  Perhaps you'll tell me I'm being to harsh - its not just the good looks, its that he's sensitive, sweet, smart, and on and on and on.  That's also not love - really just curiosity.  Or maybe you're the emotional type, sure that your destined in the stats to have a deep, meaningful life-long connection with your soul-mate.  Again, not love - romance at best, infatuation and escapism at worst.  These things are not love - nor are obedience, sweet words, tender glances and soft kisses.  All wonderful -but not love.

Now some of you will say - Murphy, you're missing it.  Love is the desire to put someone else's well-being and happiness above your own, its the feeling that you want to do everything and anything to give the loved one the best possible life.  For those who say that, you, too, are wrong.  In fact, love is not a desire, feeling or emotion at all.

Love is not the desire to put another's interest above your own.  Love is...actually doing that!  Love is the choice, the constant decision, to do whatever your are capable of, and more, to insure the happiness and success of another person.  It is the active prevention of harm to that person, even the harm they would do to themselves, even the harm they don't see as harm.  Love is an active thing, a doing, a constant effort for the good of another.  Not an emotion, not a feeling.  Rather, a choice, and following through on that choice with action.

I hate it when people say they "fall in love," as if it was an open manhole cover in the street.  You choose to love.  And please don't ever tell me that you have "fallen out of love."  Own your decision - if you don't love anymore, its because you chose not to.

Heavy Lifting

I once read a post on a fitness forum, a thing I seem to be doing a lot of lately.  I don't recall the exact wording, but it contained a quote from some body builder or other, something like:

Everybody wants the body of a bodybuilder, but nobody wants to lift the damned heavy weights.

Now, this quote was given, as it was a fitness forum, to support the proposition that in order to build muscle and cut fat, one must lift weights, and lift heavy - low weight and high reps just won't cut it.  This is a proposition that, incidentally, I agree with, but that is beyond the scope of this post.  Rather, that quote contains wisdom for all of life's endeavors, as well as a spot on assessment as to why so many people never achieve their goals.  Everyone wants (insert accomplishment or goal here), but nobody wants to do the hard work it takes to get there.

We live in a culture literally overflowing with laziness and entitlement.  Never in human history has so much been given to so many in exchange for so little effort.  Kids need good grades to boost their "self-esteem," and instead of pushing them harder to earn higher marks, we lower the curve, make the tests easier, and then pat them on the back as congratulations for their new-found intellectual excellence.  Men want to find a supermodel-beautiful woman who rocks a miniskirt, is a tiger in the sack, and cranks out gourmet meals; but they never want to do the things necessary to make themselves attractive to such a woman, like taking care of the body, finding and keeping business and generating an income, and putting something inside the brain besides video game cheat codes (as Ice-T once said, "Wash your ass, do some sit-ups, read a book").  Women, of course, want a strong, sensitive man who will earn money, spend lots of time with the family, take care of all the problems, always listen to her, and say all the right things: it never occurs to them that a man like that will be looking for more than an occasional roll in the hay and an earful of bile each time Pwincess is displeased, about anything.  Without regard to gender, race, age or anything else, people almost universally want money (or enough to live comfortably), power (enough to get others to do the things one wants them to do), and fame (or recognition of what a great damned human being one is).

More than that, and here comes an even worse aspect of the problem, society fills peoples heads with the idea that all of these goodies are a right, rather than things to be earned through blood, sweat, tears, strength, determination, and prudent decision-making.  How many times I have heard someone say to a friend "you deserve better," or worse, "I deserve better."  But do you really deserve better?  Here is the news flash: Your mere existence as a human being on Planet Earth entitles you to precisely - nothing.  You are not entitled to love, respect, caring, consideration, a certain standard of living, or in fact, even to life itself.

If you want heads to turn when you walk down the street, put down the cheeseburger and hit the gym - we tell one another that all varieties of the human form are beautiful, but deep down, we all know that is a lie.  If you want someone to respect you for your mind, do something other than watch TV and burn up the Playstation - perhaps read a book?  If you want the high-life, put in the hours, use money wisely, and make it happen.  Do the heavy lifting - nobody else can do it for you.  Even if you just want life itself, you must guard your health like the treasure it truly is - work at it.

Perhaps the saddest thing is that this culture of entitlement we've created is really just a trick we play on ourselves.  While we tell each other that we are fine just the way we are, that people should accept us for us, and that we should be able to have it all; on some level, we all know that this is not real life.  But instead of doing the heavy lifting, we are clever about maintaining the slothful status quo.  We just lower our expectations of ourselves!  I actually know grown men content to earn minimum wage and spend the rest of their days sitting on their asses playing video games or watching sports.  I know women who languish in the grip of second-rate men, because they are second-rate themselves, and too inert to require more of themselves, and more for themselves.  And our young people have seen and taken these life-killing habits as their own, right down to their cores.

I am entitled to nothing.  If I want respect, I must make myself worthy of respect.  If I want love, I must become the type of person who inspires love.  Its fine to demand more from others, but first, let's demand more of ourselves.  Let's all do the heavy lifting.

HIIT and the Big Three

Those who know me, or have read anything I've written, know that I believe in giving one's best efforts to everything one does.  This commitment should extend to the effort to become, or remain, physically fit.  This is where ideals smack heads with reality for many people.  Becoming fit, or maintaining optimal fitness, requires intense physical activity, for much more than just a few minutes, every day of the week.  I've built a life that allows me one to two hours per day in the gym, most days.  Not everyone has done so.  So the question is, with severely limited workout time, how to make the most of that time?  Some suggestions follow.

High Intensity Interval Training - or HIIT, is one way to get a very, very good workout in a small amount of time.  It consists, at the most basic level, of several cycles, each one a period of intense cardio followed by a period of somewhat less intensive cardio.  When I need a quick, intense workout, I'll do five cycles - 200 paces at a sprint, followed by 100 paces of jogging.  The whole process is 20 minutes, door-to-door, and the workout is enough to push my (middle-aged, still in progress) body to its limits.  For those more advanced in fitness, step it up to whatever exhausts you.  For beginners or the overweight, jog 100 paces followed by walking 100 paces, to start.  Studies have shown HIIT to be better for fat loss and cardiovascular conditioning than straight running, treadmills, or any other commonly used form of cardio.  As little as 20 minutes per day can deliver measurable results.

When it comes to fat loss, eating properly in the right amounts is by far the most important factor.  After that, resistance training (weight lifting) is king.  There are a few lifts, I call The Big Three, which provide, again,measurable results in less time expended.

Bench Press - the bench press has to be one of the best all-around lifts for results you can see, and fast.  It is mechanically simple to perform, and works all of the large muscles of your upper body to one extent or another.  Strength develops first, the chest forms up, and if you are lifting enough, with short enough rest periods between sets, you will get your heart rate up.  For someone, like me, who smoked cigarettes for twenty-five years before getting serious about health and quitting (and therefore, like it or not, suffers from some level of COPD), the bench press opens up the chest and rib cage, giving the lungs room to expand and helping alleviate breathing difficulties.  I do five sets of ten, with enough weight that I can't push an eleventh, with as little rest as I can manage between sets.  Benefits: significant.  Time Elapsed: 10-15 minutes.

Dead Lifts - dead lifts, are, basically, picking a heavy object up off the ground, putting it back down, and repeating several times.  Squat down with your back straight, pick up the barbell, stand up, then put it back down.  This simple exercise tests all of the body's large muscles, and is easy to learn.  While I think the dead lift is focused on the big muscles in your legs and ass, I also feel it in my arms and shoulders, and the tightening of the abs and back muscles required to keep the back straight stimulates the muscles there as well.  Again, five sets of 10, each heavy enough to push you to failure, with minimal rest.  Around 10-15 minutes to work a lot of muscle.

Squats - to me, similar to dead lifts, but even better.  If I only had time in a day to do one lift, I'd do squats. When I do them, I "feel the burn" in my calves, thighs, glutes, arms, chest and shoulders.  the same tightening of the abs and back is required, so you work the gut at the same time.  While you do need to be in a gym for this, as it requires some particular equipment to perform; for most people, a specialized rack or a machine; it is well worth the hike to the place.  Grip the bar and place atop shoulders, squat down as far as you can with a straight back, and stand up.  Sets and weight as described above for the other lifts, and you have almost a total body workout.  10-15 minutes investment.

Lack of time should not be an excuse for failure to care for your body.  Considering the benefits of being fit, we don't have time not to.

Give

"...they gave, even beyond their ability."  - 2 Corinthians 8:30

"Give blood...but don't expect to ever see reward."  - Pete Townshend

Several weeks ago, I had a conversation with a friend of mine; a woman, with whom I have been acquainted for something like thirty years.  This particular conversation, as with so many of my conversations with this particular friend, focused on what she considers a strange conflict in my personality, and in fact, in my life.

On the one hand, I spend a very large amount of my time tending to the needs of others.  I have a busy law practice, dedicated to solving other people's problems, and providing the sole means of support for a wife, two children, and three step-children.  I am also the only cook in the family, the driver, the homework coach, the liaison to schools and doctors, the disciplinarian;  basically, I am responsible for everything except cleaning the house and doing the dishes.  It is a very busy, stressful schedule, and my efforts go, as often as not, unappreciated.

On the other hand, my friend finds unbelievable, and even distasteful, my seeming lack of emotional content about all of this.  The lack of gratitude doesn't particularly bother me, nor do I have any very strong emotions about the things I do.

My friend, as I said, finds this part of me hard to deal with.  She is particularly bothered by my seeming lack of emotion, or "shallow affect," as some may describe it.  Friend or not, she uses words like "narcissist" to describe me, and has suggested I need psychiatric care.  This all stems from the fact that I am not particularly emotional, don't tumble ass-over-teakettle for "wub sweet wub," and don't care much about discussing feelings; mine, yours, or anyone else's.  I told my friend that the feeling I am concerned about is the feeling of being useful, to society, my family and myself.  She told me that "a pencil sharpener is useful," and that "lack of emotion is a cancer."  My initial response was that those statements rank among the most ignorant, benighted phrases ever uttered.

Out of deference for a thirty year friendship with someone I respect, I kept my peace, initially.  I ruminated (yes, I do that) over these comments for a few weeks, in an attempt not to give short shrift to the opinion of a valued friend, and generally to prevent thinking that I am right about everything (narcissist and all).  After much thought, I reached a conclusion.

I was right.  Her opinion on the matter is ignorant and benighted (no offense, please, love) and reflects an elevation of feelings over practical results that I find horrific, and all too common in today's society.

I believe that, to the extent our lives can be said to have a purpose, that purpose consists in being as helpful and useful as one can be. Those with ability are morally required to make the most of it.  Those with great ability must use it do to great things, for themselves and for others.  A person's value lies precisely in how much they give to others, and how much they make of their natural talents.  Success is measured in time, money, care, support and aid given, and in pushing oneself to one's limits.  If what you have is needed somewhere, give it.  Utility is my purpose, and yours, too, whether you know it or don't know it.  I may not be a nice fellow, but I am certainly useful.

Would I, then, be a better person if I had all sorts of good feelings about myself, based on the gratitude of others, those on whose behalf I act?  Would I be morally better if I was motivated by a deep love of all humanity, rather than merely to make the most of my skills and live up to my own ideals?  Would I be more psychologically healthy if I gave more thought to how my actions make people feel, and less to what I actually contribute, in a practical , measurable sense, to their lives?

I think not.

In fact, I'd be a worse person.  People ruled by emotion try to help, but the trying isn't what matters in the end.  As long a people feel good that someone tried, the emotional among us feel they have done something.  But they haven't.  If I can make your life better, I've done something, whether you feel happy about it, and whether you appreciate it.  If I've done something to make things better, about your appreciation and my "feel goods" I don't give a damn.  Which is more important, the transitory emotions or the concrete results?  Results, every time.

Moreover, the highly emotional are often motivated by the desire to have recognition for their efforts, the gratitude of those they help, and the internal glow of being a "good person."  In other words, they are helping others for what it does for themselves.  This makes such a person a selfish bastard on the same level as me. Why is your desire to feel oh, so noble, better than my desire to feel useful?  Perhaps the reader can guess my answer.

So, those who so choose, may continue wasting time talking about the feelings which drive your life, and which you believe I lack.  I'll remain a pencil sharpener.  You can continue being depressed about how unappreciated you are.  I'll continue doing what I can do.  I wish you happiness and fulfillment, however you measure it.  As for my feelings, I'll keep them in my own way, and to myself.  I'll live happily with the so-called "cancer" that is their absence.

Give.  Give blood, sweat, tears, and more than you think you can, more than you are able.  Expect no gratitude, recognition or reward.  Using your abilities to the fullest is both the means and the end.  Giving is its own reward.