Give

"...they gave, even beyond their ability."  - 2 Corinthians 8:30

"Give blood...but don't expect to ever see reward."  - Pete Townshend

Several weeks ago, I had a conversation with a friend of mine; a woman, with whom I have been acquainted for something like thirty years.  This particular conversation, as with so many of my conversations with this particular friend, focused on what she considers a strange conflict in my personality, and in fact, in my life.

On the one hand, I spend a very large amount of my time tending to the needs of others.  I have a busy law practice, dedicated to solving other people's problems, and providing the sole means of support for a wife, two children, and three step-children.  I am also the only cook in the family, the driver, the homework coach, the liaison to schools and doctors, the disciplinarian;  basically, I am responsible for everything except cleaning the house and doing the dishes.  It is a very busy, stressful schedule, and my efforts go, as often as not, unappreciated.

On the other hand, my friend finds unbelievable, and even distasteful, my seeming lack of emotional content about all of this.  The lack of gratitude doesn't particularly bother me, nor do I have any very strong emotions about the things I do.

My friend, as I said, finds this part of me hard to deal with.  She is particularly bothered by my seeming lack of emotion, or "shallow affect," as some may describe it.  Friend or not, she uses words like "narcissist" to describe me, and has suggested I need psychiatric care.  This all stems from the fact that I am not particularly emotional, don't tumble ass-over-teakettle for "wub sweet wub," and don't care much about discussing feelings; mine, yours, or anyone else's.  I told my friend that the feeling I am concerned about is the feeling of being useful, to society, my family and myself.  She told me that "a pencil sharpener is useful," and that "lack of emotion is a cancer."  My initial response was that those statements rank among the most ignorant, benighted phrases ever uttered.

Out of deference for a thirty year friendship with someone I respect, I kept my peace, initially.  I ruminated (yes, I do that) over these comments for a few weeks, in an attempt not to give short shrift to the opinion of a valued friend, and generally to prevent thinking that I am right about everything (narcissist and all).  After much thought, I reached a conclusion.

I was right.  Her opinion on the matter is ignorant and benighted (no offense, please, love) and reflects an elevation of feelings over practical results that I find horrific, and all too common in today's society.

I believe that, to the extent our lives can be said to have a purpose, that purpose consists in being as helpful and useful as one can be. Those with ability are morally required to make the most of it.  Those with great ability must use it do to great things, for themselves and for others.  A person's value lies precisely in how much they give to others, and how much they make of their natural talents.  Success is measured in time, money, care, support and aid given, and in pushing oneself to one's limits.  If what you have is needed somewhere, give it.  Utility is my purpose, and yours, too, whether you know it or don't know it.  I may not be a nice fellow, but I am certainly useful.

Would I, then, be a better person if I had all sorts of good feelings about myself, based on the gratitude of others, those on whose behalf I act?  Would I be morally better if I was motivated by a deep love of all humanity, rather than merely to make the most of my skills and live up to my own ideals?  Would I be more psychologically healthy if I gave more thought to how my actions make people feel, and less to what I actually contribute, in a practical , measurable sense, to their lives?

I think not.

In fact, I'd be a worse person.  People ruled by emotion try to help, but the trying isn't what matters in the end.  As long a people feel good that someone tried, the emotional among us feel they have done something.  But they haven't.  If I can make your life better, I've done something, whether you feel happy about it, and whether you appreciate it.  If I've done something to make things better, about your appreciation and my "feel goods" I don't give a damn.  Which is more important, the transitory emotions or the concrete results?  Results, every time.

Moreover, the highly emotional are often motivated by the desire to have recognition for their efforts, the gratitude of those they help, and the internal glow of being a "good person."  In other words, they are helping others for what it does for themselves.  This makes such a person a selfish bastard on the same level as me. Why is your desire to feel oh, so noble, better than my desire to feel useful?  Perhaps the reader can guess my answer.

So, those who so choose, may continue wasting time talking about the feelings which drive your life, and which you believe I lack.  I'll remain a pencil sharpener.  You can continue being depressed about how unappreciated you are.  I'll continue doing what I can do.  I wish you happiness and fulfillment, however you measure it.  As for my feelings, I'll keep them in my own way, and to myself.  I'll live happily with the so-called "cancer" that is their absence.

Give.  Give blood, sweat, tears, and more than you think you can, more than you are able.  Expect no gratitude, recognition or reward.  Using your abilities to the fullest is both the means and the end.  Giving is its own reward.